Padala and Peace: A Filipino Therapist’s Reflection on Balancing Family Support and Self-Care

 

Many Filipinos will be familiar with the monthly ritual of opening up your banking app, mentally calculating the exchange rate, and sending money home to the Philippines. If you yourself do not do it, you might have parents, titas and titos, or extended family who engaged in this practice, and it may have impacted the family’s resources over the years. While we mean well and feel like we are fulfilling our responsibility to family, when done in a way that is imbalanced, you might have a little voice in the back of your mind whispering, “When is it my turn?”

Many of us are touched by this practice. We grow up with concepts like utang na loob and tiis. And while these concepts may have initially promoted unity and community, when overdone, they can cause deep and heavy feelings of resentment because you are stretched far too thin.

If you are tired, recognize that this is not a weakness. It’s a truth and a signal that your body needs you to take care of yourself.

Utang na Loob: A Double-Edged Sword

We are all familiar with the concept of utang na loob. It’s deeply ingrained in favorite telenovelas or, sometimes, our own intergenerational family histories. Older generations worked extremely hard to put the younger generations through school or send them abroad; they did whatever it took to give them a better life. They may have given up their own dreams, and now that some folks are living abroad, it feels like a responsibility to take care of those who cared for us.

But when done in extremes, the concept can feel like loyalty to others and a betrayal to yourself. You give and give and give, and in the process, you have self-abandoned.

Gratitude should not require you to sacrifice your own well-being indefinitely. There is a way to honor your family without tipping the scale in a way that harms you. You are a person with limits, needs, and a future that also deserves investment.

When Tiis Is No Longer Adaptive

Tiis is another concept that is deeply entrenched into Filipino values. We endure hardship with the belief that perseverance will eventually lead to better days. It has carried us through multiple catastrophes, whether financial, career uncertainties, and family emergencies.

But tiis is meant to be a short-term strategy. We are not meant to live in a constant state of extreme sacrifice. When you do, you stop listening to your body’s warning signs. The headaches, insomnia, anxiety – you ignore them because you’ve convinced yourself that this is the only way.

Enduring without rest is a path to burnout. You are in a constant state of survival. It brings up intense emotions as your body and mind cry out louder and louder. You deserve a life beyond just surviving.

Finding Your Balance

So how do you break free from this cycle? How do you honor your culture and your family while also honoring yourself?

Start with an honest assessment. Look at your finances clearly. How much do you actually earn? How much do you need for your own basic living expenses, savings, and emergency fund? What’s left after that is what you can realistically share, not before.

Set boundaries without over-explaining. You don’t owe anyone a detailed breakdown of your budget or justification for your limits. It’s okay to simply say, “This is what I can send this month,” without defending yourself. Your boundaries are valid even if others don’t understand or agree with them. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence, though you can soften it with love.

Redefine utang na loob. Yes, give back, but recognize that the best way to honor your parents’ or past generations’ sacrifice might be to build a stable future for yourself, not to drain yourself dry. They didn’t sacrifice so you could suffer in a different country. They sacrificed so you could have a better life.

Practice tiis with wisdom. Endure what you must, but also recognize when it’s time to rest, to seek help, to make changes. Strength includes knowing when to stop, not just how to keep going.

 

You Don’t Need to Become Invisible.

Your life matters just as much as your family’s lives back home.

Your dreams matter. Your health matters. Your peace of mind matters. Your savings matter. Your future matters.

You are a whole person with your own needs, your own limits, and your own right to build a life that includes joy, rest, and self-investment.

Your tiredness is valid. Your limits are valid. Your needs are valid. You are allowed to matter.